Last Week 7/9 Season Total 116/162
Last week there was a lot of discussion
around crazy ideas like a best-of-three Grand Final and Wildcard matches to
qualify for the finals. This then
descended into comments around just how compromised the fixture is. The first evidence of this compromise is that
Charlie Curnow leads the Coleman race but has kicked 19 goals against West
Coast alone. That being said, Tex does get his chance
when they play West Coast for the second time in the last round.
Anyway, I have come up with a plan to fix
the compromise and make all stakeholders happy.
Revenue from broadcasting rights is at the centre point as well as
making the draw equitable to all teams.
I think this plan is so good that I am making this my platform for
running for Prime Minister at the next election. The plan is as such:
Step 1. Build six 100,000 seat
capacity stadiums in Alice Springs (bear with
me…). All games will be played there so
travel is equal for all teams.
Step 2. To maximise revenues in the
fixture, the only games played will be 22 Western Derbies, 22 Showdowns, 22
Battles of the Bridge, 22 Q-Clashes and 22 Anzac Day matches (all other
Victorian teams will be folded into Collingwood/Essendon, so everyone has a
stake in it). The winners of these 5
conferences will face off in the finals.
Due to the odd number of teams, all matches will be considered wildcard
games. The Grand Final will be played at
the 6th and neutral stadium.
Step 3. All patrons attending the
matches will be shut-in for the term of the season and housed at each
stadium. Mobiles will go into a bag upon
entrance and supporters will be sustained on a diet of Pies and Beer (or
soft-drink for the kids). WFH can be
conducted from the stadiums and all comms are monitored to ensure game results
are not leaked. Note: Housing all these people should fix the
housing crisis too. Then the
broadcasters can play the matches on TV at any time during the week they wish
to maximise profits as no-one outside the stadium will know the result and
everyone inside the stadium will have their own issues to deal with. Since all these teams are essentially from
their own states, this also means each final is a State of Origin match, so this resolves this
ever-present request. The diet of
Beer/Pies/Soft-drink will ensure a booming heath industry and provide plenty of
employment for nurses and doctors.
I have made progress on the above plan
already. I have spoken to Evergrande who
currently have a ‘buy two get one free’ stadium deal on so the whole thing will
only cost about $20B (that’s $60B in Victorian Dollars). Initial funding will come from building one
less submarine as I do not see any future outcome where Australia will
say, “if only we had one more submarine.”
Equitable draw…tick
State of Origin…tick
Broadcast Revenues…tick
Housing crisis solved…tick
Healthcare jobs…tick
Construction employment…tick
As the key promise of the “Aussie, Aussie,
Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi Party” I think we can get some major backing. Our campaign slogan is, “Gettin’ Sh.t Done”
and an attitude of “Hold my beer and watch this,” is how we will go about
it. So, if you’re interested in getting
fleeced of your money making a campaign donation, please contact your local
party representative which you will see popping up soon in your neighbourhood.
What’s happening in the AFL at the
moment? I’d better write the
Preview. Hold my beer and watch this.
Collingwood vs Carlton MCG Friday
Night
I’m worried that the Hollywood
writers’ strike has started to affect the AFL.
On Saturday night, Collingwood’s come-from-behind victory was just the
same script we have seen before.
Seriously though, it was an entertaining match to watch. I got my tip wrong, and Collingwood became an
even firmer favourite for the flag, if that is possible. Carlton
on the other hand had the match against West Coast sewn up by the 3-minute mark
of the first quarter and a 10-goal haul from Curnow provided entertainment for
the Blues fans from that point on. Both
teams are on a 5-game winning streak and the MCG will be heaving with 90K plus
fans. The first installment in this
match was a bit of a fizzer but there is an air of confidence around Carlton at the moment and
perhaps Collingwood will be a bit flatter after getting themselves up for such
a big match last week. But then it is
all Tulips and Pavlova’s at Collingwood with 6 player signings in the last 2
days. There is so much love in the place
that Olympic Park is practically a Hippie Commune, but this game will come down
to the selection table. Collingwood are
currently brimming with choices as almost all of their group are available, but
Carlton on the
other hand have some issues. Walsh and
Silvagni will be out, MacKay is out (but this might be a benefit) and there are
clouds around the availability of Cerra, Cripps and a few others. Hopefully Carlton’s talent pool gets up and we see an
adequately bruising encounter between the two befitting the hatred felt between
the supporter groups, even if they don’t understand the source of it. Because of the injuries, Collingwood by
25 points.
Geelong vs Fremantle Kardinia Park Saturday
Afternoon
I find the media narrative around Geelong very confusing to
follow. It belies an understanding of
basic game analysis. After smashing
Essendon at Kardinia Park, they look at the stats and say how great Geelong are
and their premiership fancies, and then they get held to 1 goal for almost 3
quarters of footy at the Gabba and the commentary quickly turns to them being
done and out of contact with modern footy.
The media just don’t see the connection of home ground advantage for
some reason, or at least ignore it.
Fremantle, on the other hand have lost their home ground advantage,
amongst many other things they have lost since last year. A spanking by Franklin and Sydney put the
final nail in their 2023 coffin.
However, Fremantle beat Geelong at Kardinia Park last year so maybe they know
something about playing on a cigar. But
remember, that was last year, and we can all agree that Freo have lost
something since then. Geelong
by 62 points and the narrative to revert back to how unstoppable Geelong are.
Footscray vs Greater Western
Sydney Mars Stadium Saturday Afternoon
The Dogs returned to the winners list after
treating The Bombers as their own personal chew toy. And then GWS bounded into the top eight after
dispatching Gold Coast in a second half rout.
These two teams sit in that remarkable group from 5th to 12th
where 8 teams are separated by a game and half.
All could stake their claim on a top eight finish to help make up the
numbers in the finals and keep their fans happy. This should be an outstanding match to watch
with a great rivalry forming, so if you’re in the vacinity of Ballarat you
should be boarding the Falcon Heavy’s and, to quote Douglas Quaid, “get your
ass to Mars” (or was it Hauser that said that)?
But rug up because, without exaggerating, it will be somewhere close to
Absolute Zero in Ballarat. Footscray
enjoy playing there but it is GWS who may be more used to the conditions after
playing in temperatures well below Absolute Zero in Canberra.
Given subatomic particles stop vibrating at that point and all laws of
physics that we know of become a little…iffy, we may be surprised at the
quality and pace of ball movement in this one.
Footscray will relish some quick ball movement and GWS will be, as
usual, hard at the man and make Footscray very accountable. My statistics tell me that Footscray is the
better team but only marginally and GWS may be a bit more consistent running
into this match. I’ll say Footscray
by 3 points but with Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle the result will
only be known upon observation.
Gold Coast vs Brisbane Carrara Saturday Twilight
The Suns seemed to be matching it with GWS
for a while last week, but then were out-gunned in the second half. Brisbane
rolled over Geelong
and let them back in a bit towards the end when the game was beyond doubt. No doubt Brisbane were saving themselves for the
Q-Clash as it is a such an important fixture.
Unfortunately, Will Ashcroft will miss the rest of the season, and most
of next years with the dreaded ACL tear.
It’s a real bummer for Will and deprives us viewers of some electric
up-and-coming-talent for a year. Despite
being at Carrara, I fully expect Brisbane to win this as they try to snatch the second spot
from Port Adelaide…which
is likely in my opinion. Brisbane
by 37 points.
Essendon vs Sydney Marvel
Stadium Saturday Night
The Bombers were looking likely until last
week they seemed to go back into their shell and try to use tentative ball
movement which gets you nowhere in todays game.
Meanwhile, Sydney
blasted Freo off the park in the first quarter.
The loss by Essendon was costly and saw them tumble out of the 8 in that
scrum of teams vying for a spot. They
need a win here or face being left behind by the pack. Sydney
is a bit like the last rider off the back of the Peloton. This game is their decision point…tuck, grit
your teeth and try to move up through the pack, or drop off and give up on the
season. They seem to have their mojo
back and don’t mind playing at Marvel. Sydney
by 16 points.
Adelaide vs Port Adelaide Adelaide
Oval Saturday Night
It was near heroics on both counts last
week for these two teams. Port Adelaide fell under the
script-writers spell to be overrun in what is now real danger signs for
Hinkley. Kochie has his Hinkley Voodoo
Doll in hand with pins poised. Adelaide was out of the match with Melbourne for most of it, but a barnstorming
final quarter saw them nearly pinch it.
A couple of significant injuries in the process will not help them this
week. A Showdown is great for SA because
the rivalry is so fierce. It’s also
great for the rest of Australia
as South Australians tend to stay in their state that week. A loss to Adelaide here sees them well and truly out of
contention and this is a game where they need to throw everything at it or
resign to starting their 2024 campaign next week. Injuries will be telling. Port Adelaide by 10 points.
Hawthorn vs Saint Kilda Marvel Stadium Sunday Afternoon
The Hawks seemed to have the match sewn up
against Richmond,
but a lapse in the last quarter allowed the Tigers to storm home and pinch the
match by a solitary point. Saint Kilda
had to grind out a win against North Melbourne,
also coming from behind on a slippery Marvel deck that gave Ross Lyon a case of
the irrits. Hawthorn are looking for some reason to hope for next year whilst
Saint Kilda are locked in the battle for 5th to 8th with
the rest of the mob so neither team will want to drop this one. Saints will have a bit more on the line
though and might be a bit more comfortable at Marvel this week after the roof
gets closed before the Mist descends. If
you’ve seen the end of the 2007 film The Mist, you’d want the roof closed early
too. Saint Kilda by 22 points.
Richmond vs Melbourne MCG Sunday Afternoon
A classic match of traditional Victorian
rival clubs and MCG co-tenants. Melbourne
kept Adelaide at bay to almost certainly lock away a top 4 spot and Richmond
have gone from maybe having a mediocre year to having their coach depart to now
maybe being a chance for finals. Oh, the
life of a Tigers supporter. Could we see
Richmond finish
9th? That used to be their
usual spot. This should be a good game
to watch which makes a nice change to what’s been served up on a Sunday
recently. The chaotic ball movement of Richmond vs the clinical precision of Melbourne.
I think Melbourne will have too much
composure in the backline to let Richmond
run riot. Of course, in my plan outlined
in the preamble, this match could never happen, so is it even required to come
up with a tip? I suppose so. Melbourne
by 24 points.
West Coast vs North Melbourne Perth Stadium Sunday
Twilight
Rumours were flying around during the week
Harley Reed had let it slip that he doesn’t want to go to West Coast. While this kind of thing is considered draft
tampering and has been rightly denied by Reed and his team, you could hardly
blame him, right? But I’m not so sure
the first pick is such a certainty.
North Melbourne are staking their claim and if West Coast can win by
about 39 goals here then they will be above North
Melbourne on the ladder!
It’s not the only rumour. The
other rumour merchants in the media who will remain unnamed have been touting
the capitulation of the club internals with Nisbett gone, the footy department
gone, and half of the team gone or forced into retirement. All Money and no talent. Not a great spot to be in but I’ve always had
the following motto when I leave the house with the kids: “I may forget to
bring everything, but if I have my wallet, all problems can be resolved.” Not to mention the media have already started
dividing up the spoils by making suggestions around which players should be
sold off. I am reminded of playing
Dungeons and Dragons when one your friends and faithful party members dies in a
fight and you barely pay the corpse any respect before rifling through their
pockets and taking all of their valuables.
To this game though and both teams have lost to Saint Kilda by exactly 8
points so all current data points to this being a draw. In recent weeks, West Coast has been much
improved at home, but North have been a little unlucky recently too. Consistency is key and the most consistent
thing I can point to at the moment is West Coast losing. North Melbourne
by 8 points.
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