Round 15 AFL Preview

 Last Week           5/6           Season Total      75/121 

It was pretty good last week.  My tipping that is.  But I think everyone did ok in most of the competitions I’m in.  It was nice to see a bit of normality.  In the competitions I am in, the leaders are generally either the people who are in another country and joined ‘for a bit of laugh’ or those that don’t have time for football so put all of their tips in for the entire season before opening round.  It vexes me so, given all of the effort I go to in curating the right tips.  It builds character, is what people tell me, but I reckon, now it’s round 15 and I’ve got so much character that Mark Twain wrote a book about me in the past.  Anachronism be damned!

I noted in the news that a players brother ran out onto the ground during one of the matches and was given a $5,000 fine and banned for life.  The lifetime ban is rather brutal, but it was the fine that raised my eyebrows.  Is it really a punishment?  Given you can’t go to the football anymore you would save something like $45 a week by not going.  Assuming you’re a North Melbourne supporter you don’t have to pay for finals tickets so let’s leave that out of the equation and you get your fine back in savings within 5 years.  But that’s not all. If you usually get a pie, chips and a beverage when you go to the footy then you’re making your money back in about a month!  Not to mention if you direct those funds into some kind of intelligent investment then it becomes a real boon.  If you put $45/week into Bitcoin, you’d be a millionaire by the end of the month, then penniless the next month, then a billionaire, then penniless again, then…you get the idea…maybe don’t choose Bitcoin.  Maybe put it into something less volatile, like buy some Anti-matter.  At $60 trillion per gram, you could literally annihilate the market.

Also, this week we had the Hall of Fame ceremony.  Jason Dunstall was elevated to Legend and after 1254 goals it is most deserved.  The only hiccup on the night was the AFL proclaiming one Hall of Famer had died, when really, he was alive and well and still golfing like a champ.  I’m assuming that was an umpires call.

Lots of great matches this week that could go either way.  Let’s see if we can cut to the chase.

Carlton vs Geelong         MCG      Friday Night
I’ll admit, I’m glad Thursday night matches have finished as it gives me more time to write these missives that have a modicum of usefulness.  That being said, I find myself here on a Thursday Night at nearly midnight toiling away against a looming deadline.  Geelong came out this season in a blaze of glory before falling in a sufficiently deep and dark hole.  They need to do something and now is the time otherwise they’ll see themselves bundled out of the eight.  But with the ladder so rich with evenness, Carlton could also be teetering on the edge if they lose.  The reality for the season for both of these teams is that they have beaten teams outside the 8 but rarely beat a team inside the 8 which makes them middle pack teams.  So, when two middle pack teams play each other, who wins?  Carlton by 12 points.

Port Adelaide vs Brisbane           Adelaide Oval   Saturday Afternoon
Similar to the previous match, these two teams have not set the world on fire and can beat the teams outside the 8, but struggle against the teams inside the 8.  This match is one for the under-achievers. Zak Butters was cleared to play, but that whole affair had my ‘stickler’ alarm ringing wildly.  If the definition of strike is to hit forcibly, how did the tribunal reach the conclusion that ‘he struck him with insufficient force.’?  It won’t help them though.  I think Brisbane has woken up for the season.  Brisbane by 16 points.

GWS vs Sydney                Showgrounds    Saturday Afternoon
The Battle of the Bridge Part 2.  Or was it the Tunnel Tussle? Or the Aqueduct Affray?  The Snowy Hydro Skirmish?  I’m reaching now.  Snow Hydro is perhaps a bit too Western Sydney.  Besides, Nuclear is on the radar now.  Probably the biggest news in the lead up to this one is that Sam Taylor ruptured his testicle!  When done by an amateur, this is a very unpleasant thing.  In fact, when done by a professional, it’s pretty unpleasant too, so I’m told.  Personally, I’m having my testicles professionally ruptured soon.  Yes, I’m depriving the world of any more of my future progeny.  Thank goodness some might say.  The pre-consult went well though.  The doctor examined the jewels (apparently inspection is required to ensure your testicles are of adequate quality deserving of rupture) and I’m not sure, he either said, “No problems, I can do it next week,” or he said, “What a magnificent specimen these are, we should wait a few months so they can be admired in their pristine state for longer.”  I couldn’t quite catch what he said but booked later in the year as instructed.

Sorry, there’s a footy match on, isn’t there?  GWS looked stronger last week against Port and if not for wayward kicking would have smashed them.  I like to think that Sydney can be beaten and after Adelaide’s start it looked likely before they flipped their switch and kicked 10 unanswered goals.  Most off the boot of Almarty who the press has already elevated higher than Buddy.  Only 1,005 goals to go, which at 9 goals per game is only 4 seasons away.  If it bleeds you can kill it, and given Sydney are known as The Bloods maybe GWS can pull it off.  But only a fool would tip against Sydney until the blood is visible.  Sydney by 21 points.

Melbourne vs North Melbourne              MCG      Saturday Night
The Demons had a bye…and needed it while North Melbourne played a game for the ages to be narrowly beaten by the umpires in the dying seconds.  By all accounts the Umpires are now in the 8 and having a real tilt at finals this year.  I do note that there wasn’t a lot of sympathy for North Melbourne and probably because of the scary proposition they pose in the future.  Looking at how good they can be with all their high draft picks when they execute efficiently and pull off what can only be described as ‘bullshit moves’ would have sent a shiver down the spines of rivals.  The trick now is to make that the new normal.  If they bring that again this week, Melbourne supporters could quickly find many of their membership cards in microwaves.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet.  Let’s wait for proof of a new normal.  Melbourne by 31 points.

Essendon vs West Coast               Marvel Stadium               Sunday Afternoon
Both these teams had a bye last week which is going to really mess with the theory that a team loses after a bye.  Oscar Allen has been named for West Coast which makes them a bit stronger, but with Harley Reid still missing, the team has no superpowers to compete against Essendon.  They, of course have one half of the Wonder Twins in McKay and Mulletman Sam Draper.  Essendon will need a win too.  Essendon by 23 points.

Fremantle vs Gold Coast              Perth Stadium   Sunday Afternoon
The Dockers had a stinker a week after having a…what’s the opposite of a stinker?  A perfumer?  They will want to make amends and provide their followers with the hope of a season unwasted.  Gold Coast had a narrow loss to Saint Kilda before the bye and desperately need a win on the road to not only show the world they can do it, but also to keep in touch with the 8 and keep their finals hopes alive.  Watching on TV, it often looks like the surface of Perth Stadium gets a bit greasy or dewy and this might help Gold Coast, but one has to go with Freo at home.  Fremantle by 14 points.


It’s the last of the byes and therefore the last of my poetry attempts.  What I do know is that poetry is something I shouldn’t attempt in anger and poetry is something that should be left to the likes of the real artists like Lil’ Wayne, Pit Bull and Justin Bieber (it’s really hard to convey sarcasm in written form but assume that last sentence is dripping with it).  My poetry is more on the level of Vogons or Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings.  On that note…here is some more Earth Shattering poetry. 

It was a season that we all agreed promised far too much
They should be in the 8, but have quickly lost their touch
What to do, who to blame, no stone will be unturned
No talking sticks, power poses and feet remain unburned
The problem must be mental, time for another camp?
That concept gives them shivers and a terrible tummy cramp
Perhaps the answer lies in throwing caution to the wind
Or go to one of many churches and repent for those who sinned. 

Their season started early, but the wins came along later
And two draws were thrown in the mix, delivered by a waiter!
At times their game has made them look unbeatable
But other times they’ve found the method downright unrepeatable
In the back half of the season, they need to make their move
And will be helped by an injury list on the improve
But if its awards they’re after they should select a lower gear
With Bobby and Billy Elliott fighting it out for Mark of the Year

Western Bulldogs or Footscray, what term should one use?
Officially the AFL use both, in a veiled attempt to confuse
But what does it matter when you have a player like The Bont
For a rhyme, do use Vermont, or talk about this font?
They seem to have found their rhythm after earlier losing leverage
And the media were circling, around a nervous Lukey Beveridge
Most experts have them as a team now in the mix
But what would experts know?  They’re all a bunch of di..

No one wants them around the 8, they’ve had their recent joy
Winning games against your team is the quickest way to annoy
Although with Jack Ginnivan a quicker way is found
Lay a perfect tackle and you’ll hear a familiar sound
A tackle that was perfect, becomes one that is too high
And the opposition supporters simply wish for him to die.
But Jack is good for footy, and the game needs the buffoon
Who finds the loopholes, and the rules that are opportune 

Saint Kilda
Rhyming is hard, I’m running out of steam, it’s late and the team is St. Kilda
Did anyone know that this symbol on your keyboard ~ happens to be a tilde?
Back to the footy and Ross the Boss is up to his old tricks
Killing the game by making it ugly when his team is lacking quicks
But he dodges blame and redirects when in his weekly presser
And doesn’t try to win the fashion, he ain’t a snappy dresser
From Finals last year, it looks to me that they’ll miss the eight
Doesn’t matter what Ross says, the optics aren’t that great. 

An era ended with a crash as old guys have retired
Anchored at the bottom of the ladder is where the team is mired
Dusty is a legend, but his star has lost its sheen
Which happens when you’ve spent a career, carrying your team
I can’t believe I’m almost there, the end of rhymes in sight
I read them back and I apologise, I really feel contrite
Back to Richmond and all’s ok, they’ve had their years of fun
Most rival fans would tell them to take their cups and shove them up their…


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