Round 1 Preview
Last Week 2/2 Season Total 2/2
Thank goodness that Opening Round Malarkey is done with. Cyclone Alfred really did a number on everyone’s joy. Two matches aren’t enough to sustain an interest from the public, especially when one game was a fizzer…however, the other was a bit more sizzling. ‘Z’ is such an underrated letter. As far as spectacles go, fans from 78% of the population couldn’t have given a rats proverbial about the footy and an entire state was otherwise occupied trying to bale water out of their streets and cafés. That’s assuming they could even find their baling equipment which was under a few metres of water!
The right decision was made of course. You can’t play footy in a cyclone, or a tropical low. At least not anymore. I remember a game back in my day I played when we had a cyclone strength gale and hailstones the size of golf balls. One guy got knocked out by a chunk of ice, but in those days the coach just rubbed his head and said, “you’ll be right, run it out, get back out there son.” Times are different now and everything is monitored and scrutinized and had they played the footy in the midst of Cyclone Alfred then for sure some bozo’s would have tried to turn up to get that perfect Instagram photo of their inverted umbrella.
But at least for the other 22% (and the footy analysts and column writers) there was enough play to write off Sydney and Collingwood’s chances of ever winning a game at all this season, confirm GWS as premiership favourites and use ridiculous terms like ‘Hollywood’ to describe Hawthorn. It should be pointed out that Hollywood is, in fact, a cesspool of drugs and corruption and full of superficial people so maybe the media have it right.
Anyway, normality is restored this week. In footy anyway. Trump and Vance are still extremely abnormal and winning a round of tipping after getting just two correct is the kind of polling result that Putin could really get behind.
Let’s take a look at this week’s games and see if we can continue this perfect record of tipping.
Richmond vs Carlton MCG Thursday
Night
The annual opening game of the year, which is now played after the other opening round games. Hmmm? I remember (not too long ago) when Richmond was a good side and opening the season just created dread in the hearts and minds of Carlton supporters. But these days, it’s a free hit and a way to get your season off to a percentage boosting flyer. As it’s Round 1 we can’t draw much on form other than the fact that Richmond currently has none and Carlton are flag fancies. The weight of expectation will grow after they smash the hapless Tigers. Carlton by 65 points.
Hawthorn vs Essendon MCG Friday
Night
As you might’ve guessed, I have an issue with ridiculous media made up names like ‘Hollywood Hawks.’ If you’re not a Hawks supporter, like me you might say great…move the team to Hollywood…the further away the better. But it’s not only Hollywood. They have a guy they call Wizard. In my book, The Wizard is Jeff Farmer. Nicknames can’t be recycled! We can’t have another Flying Doormat. Yes, there are two new Daicii running around but none of them will be the Macedonian Marvel. Lethal and Captain Blood are probably not allowed in today’s woke world (even referring to someone’s Macedonian heritage might be risqué). So, I’m struggling with Wizard. How did he come by such a name? Does he have a lightning bolt scar on his head? Was he born of a virgin and demon, fall in love with a lady in a lake and set a sword in a rock? Did he fight with a Balrog in the Mines of Moria? Or is he just some weirdo hiding behind curtains and getting girls, lions and scarecrows to run errands for him?
I digress, there is a game to be played, and I think it might be a good one. But then I don’t have much to say on it as besides Hawthorns nice win against Sydney last week the other side of the equation is unknown. A game under their belt might be good for them and that tips me towards Hawthorn. Hawthorn by 12 points.
Geelong vs Fremantle Kardinia Park Saturday
Afternoon
The Cats had their match scrapped and it was probably a good thing. I saw some photos of the NRL ground on the Gold Coast and the water was halfway up the goal posts. Footy would be a tough challenge in those conditions although I’d be more worried about the Bull Sharks patrolling the half-forward line. Now that would be a headline! Dangerfield subbed off at quarter time after losing his leg in a savage attack in the forward pocket. Just rub it a bit and tell him to run it off! Fremantle are fancied to be risers this year and have even won their last two at Kardinia Park so it could be good for a roughie if you’re already way behind in your tips (it’s never too early for a desperate move). Geelong by 16 points.
Sydney vs Brisbane SCG Saturday
Afternoon
Brisbane has moved their operations down to Sydney ahead of this one so they can play on a ground that doesn’t get their testicles wet. Running is easier than wading and probably promoted better match conditioning. Sydney lost to Hawthorn last week but probably didn’t lose too many friends in the process. Losing is not ideal, but the season is long, and Sydney knows what they’re doing. The SCG is not generally a happy hunting ground for Brisbane although they did win their last one there. Will Brisbane get their defence off to a flyer or will they be worn out from all the sandbagging? It should be noted that the Grand Final rematch often turns out to be a fizzle and as a first game for both of them they might both be trying the cede advantage to the other in some kind of twisted mind game. We could be witnessing the worst game ever played!? Probably not. Sydney by 8 points.
Western Bulldog vs North Melbourne Marvel Stadium Saturday
Night
Both Treloar and Bontempelli are out with calf injuries which I can attest are absolute buggers to get over. Neither will be seeing action for much, if any, of the first half of the season and this puts Footscray in a dire place. During recovery I remember swimming was good so maybe they should have petitioned to move this game to the Gold Coast. I think North Melbourne would be primed to take this one out and now with a bit of experience sprinkled in amongst the youth they might be better for it. Of course, they could’ve just retained Harvey on their list but let’s not go there. Then there’s Jamarra Ugle-Hagan but let’s not go there either. North Melbourne by 2 points.
Collingwood vs Port Adelaide MCG Saturday
Night
The analysts have been getting into Collingwood. Pulling apart their game and deciding they are so poor, so old, so slow and so disinterested that they wouldn’t even beat a team of three-toed sloths. Maybe they’re right but let’s not catastrophize too much after one game. It’s not even round 1 yet! The week before they kicked 20 goals straight, but last week they were not accurate. Maybe kicking straighter would’ve kept them interested for longer and it would have been a bit closer. And what is the AFL doing scheduling Round 0 matches…in summer…during the day? The poor untraveled Collingwood legs just weren’t up to that kind of humidity. Anyway, they are back to their more familiar MCG and Dan Houston will now be available to play against his former team. Because the thousands of staff writers are just waiting for Port to lose to unleash a wall of succession plan failure articles that have been pre-written by ChatGPT in the past few weeks, it would be in Collingwood’s best interest to win this one as attention can be diverted with relative ease. But it might just be that Collingwood aren’t good enough. Port Adelaide by 15 points.
Adelaide vs Saint Kilda Adelaide Oval Sunday
Afternoon
The Crows had a disappointing year last year and would be keen to have a better fist of it this year. What better way to start than a home game against a middle of the road team. But with Lyons second year in charge, St. Kilda will also be looking to rise. Adelaide Oval is not a happy place for the Saints with most games being a bit of a blowout. But with Ross’s game tactics, blowouts aren’t really options. Adelaide by 25 points.
Melbourne vs GWS MCG Sunday
Afternoon
GWS did a number on Collingwood. They are a very fit team, and the only thing Kingsley needs to worry about now is if they are peaking too early. March is generally a poor month to be stamping authority, but they did need to let out some aggression after a straight sets exit last year. They said they would get violent, but within the rules. After the fines handed out during the week you could say they didn’t quite get the mix right. Melbourne will welcome back Petracca and hopefully all of the off season dramas about people leaving but staying can be put behind them and they can start to put a more solid season together. But the leagues funding arrangements with GWS mean a large array of fines can be handled easily so violence would seem to be the order of the day for GWS. But as Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” So, it is a line that GWS will want to tread carefully with. A culture of violence is something you don’t want to dance too closely to. But it’ll get the job done. GWS by 34 points.
West Coast vs Gold Coast Perth Stadium Sunday Twilight
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