Round 2 Preview

Last Week 5/9   Season Total 7/11

I gleefully came to write this preview knowing that I got at least 8 correct, but thought I’d check to be sure.  I was shocked.  What was I thinking!?  I missed Richmond by a mere 78 points.  Sydney wasn’t that far off, but then I got Port Adelaide wrong by 106 points!  I gave North a chance, and they were in it right up until Archer tried to remove a head (writing that sentence gives me a sense of de ja vu).

In light of the many ridiculous decisions that were made, I have launched a full and independent investigation which will take a full year and cost you, the reader, an absolute fortune, but thought this was the kind of level of detail mandated and you’ll all be much happier with the result.  The reason for the high cost primarily is the background research and soul searching that has to be undertaken.  A private Caribbean Island has been booked for the investigator and me to make sure there can be absolutely no distractions and allow us to get to the bottom of this lousy tipping.  The investigator, from We Investigate F..ing Everything has told me she will be very thorough, as usual.  Prompt payment of the upcoming invoice would be appreciated as the first installment for the island booking is due next week and early payment unlocks the Pina Colada package.  Once again apologies for the poor tipping, and as we need to let the investigative process play out, subsequent weeks tipping cannot be improved until the process is fully mapped.

Carlton vs Hawthorn      MCG      Thursday Night

What an absolute gift to non-Carlton supporters.  Round 1 and their fans were already booing them off the ground and it is not the weight of expectation resting on their shoulders but the fear of failure that now hangs over them like a spectre of death.  Or maybe it’s that Richmond are a far better side than any of us could have predicted?  Hmmm. 

Hawthorn went on their merry way and dispatched Essendon to go 2-0 and sit with GWS atop the ladder.  And it was as if ‘The Wizard’ heard my complaints about his nickname and showed a fair degree of wizardry.  But I stand by my call.  He is not The Wizard.

I lean in favour of Carlton getting back to work this week and beating Hawthorn, but it’s a tough call to make given how poorly they played last week and how well-drilled Hawthorn seem to be.  Hawthorn gave Carlton a lesson in their last meeting but the three prior to that have all gone Carlton’s way.  I’m making a momentum call on this one.  Hawthorn by 16 points.

Footscray vs Collingwood            MCG      Friday Night

It’s just so easy to pick on the media.  They can’t hold an opinion for longer than a goldfish’s memory.  Last week, Collingwood were going to be lucky if they win a game ever again.  This week they are a lock for the Premiership.  They certainly made minced meat of Port Adelaide, but it is an easy thing to do when the meat is already tender and sliced into smaller chunks.  Meanwhile Footscray took a bit of extra time to shake off North Melbourne to bag their first win for the year. 

This week is the 100-year anniversary of these two teams playing their first match.  It’s maybe not one that Footscray would like to remember, losing by 44 points.  In fact, we’ll have to wait another 8 years to celebrate the 100^th anniversary of Footscray’s first win against the Pies.  But still, I looked it up and the appropriate 100^th anniversary gift is a 10-carat diamond.  I suspect the Pies will be buying that one.  But even then, this is where you need to seriously evaluate the worth of your relationship.  Depending on Colour, Cut, Clarity a 10 carat diamond could set them back anywhere from $200,000 to $1,800,000.  I suspect that your 100^th anniversary is the only time a conflict diamond might not be frowned upon! 

Still lacking their prime movers though and having to defend three M’s (Mihocek, McStay and Membrey) I think is too big a task for Footscray this week.  Collingwood by 27 points.

Essendon vs Adelaide   MCG      Saturday Afternoon

It’s a season full of hope for Essendon, looking to take that next step.  They came up against a hot Hawthorn last week and weren’t able to sustain the rage for long enough.  Adelaide looked downright mean in their blitzing of St Kilda, but as usual you need to pause before tipping and think about where they played St Kilda versus where they will play Essendon.  You see, St Kilda don’t play Adelaide Oval very well, so a bad loss is to be expected.  On the other hand, Adelaide haven’t won at the MCG since 2017.  But to complicate matters further, Adelaide haven’t played Essendon at the MCG since 1995, so this game throws up some statistical conundrums.  I feel like I’m out on a limb here and for no better reason than my gut, Adelaide by 12 points.

Port Adelaide vs Richmond         Adelaide Oval   Saturday Afternoon

Encyclopaedia Britanica describes a succession plan as, “a really shit idea.”  I think the only reason Port are doing it is because most of today’s generation don’t know what an encyclopaedia is.  They went the way of cassette tapes…some people still own them and swear by their superior quality and they’re probably right.  I watched some of the game and the calls to end the succession and the stupidity of the succession started even earlier than I expected.  I thought it would come up about 5 – 10 minutes into the post-match but the commentators started calling for an end to it before half time.  I feel like it was about getting the exclusive by being the first media person to call for it to end.

But let’s not overlook the fantastic performance of Richmond last week.  You’re probably like me and saw the quarter time score, saw it was going as expected and went and did something productive, like the ironing.  Then you wake up the next day to find out that some kind of miracle was witnessed by many!  Although, in hindsight we shouldn’t have been surprised.  I did read this Nostradamus quatrain from 1561:

“In the year of the great contest, when the sun sinks low and the winds carry whispers of fate, the mighty Tigers shall roar upon the field of battle. With stripes as their banner, they shall rise like a storm, swift and unyielding. The Blues, once proud and steadfast, shall falter beneath the weight of destiny's hand. 

By the end, the day shall be theirs, and the echoes of victory will ring in the hearts of those who saw it foretold.”

Or maybe I was just messing around with ChatGPT, I can’t remember.

Anyway, Richmond at Adelaide Oval is a different kettle of fish.  Nostradamus was conspicuously quiet on the subject, so I’ll go it alone.  Port Adelaide by 37 points.

Saint Kilda vs Geelong  Marvel Stadium               Saturday Night

Like a few teams last weekend, it must be dis-heartening when you have 6 months of preparation and then get rolled by 10+ goals.  Saint Kilda were on the receiving end of that with 2x 5-goal bursts in the 1^st and 3^rd quarters putting the game out of reach and ensuring a very un-Lyonlike thrashing.  Geelong on the other hand dished one out to the hapless Fremantle boys.  I think St. Kilda will be better, but Geelong might just be better too.  Geelong by 31 points.

Brisbane vs West Coast Gabba   Sunday Afternoon

Speaking of thrashings, West Coast copped a big one last Sunday.  With a combined deficit of 165 points, it was not a good weekend for WA and their teams seem to have their own twisted competition going on.  And it doesn’t get any easier for West Coast, who now face current premiers in Brisbane at the Gabba.  If the Suns could beat them at home by 87, I shudder to think what Brisbane could do.  It’s a tough opening run for West Coast who could see themselves buried beneath the foot of the ladder in a hurry.  For Brisbane, they can continue cyclone clean up, unfurl the flag and celebrate.  Brisbane by 48 points.

North Melbourne vs Melbourne              Marvel Stadium               Sunday Afternoon

It would have been a disappointing start to the season for both of these teams.  Both North and the Demons were in their games until the last quarter (or the last minute in Melbourne’s case).  The biggest news of the weekend was Archers three-match suspension which likely will go to the tribunal.  It’s a tough one.  You don’t want to see blokes off on stretchers in a neck brace, but unlike his dad, I don’t think that was his intention.  We’ll wait for the findings of the all wise and infallible Tribunal and the hundreds of articles and analysis that follow.  At least one of these teams will get their campaign off the ground this week.  Melbourne by 22 points.

Fremantle vs Sydney     Perth Stadium   Sunday Twilight

Longmuir entered the season with a lot of hope.  So much hope that he dropped his contract and became a regular staff member who can be fired just like the rest of them.  Although maybe it’s a clever ploy to remain employed for longer.  On contract, if you flash the typing pool at the staff Christmas party, they can very quickly end the contract.  As a member of staff there is process.  You need a written warning first, probably some employer funded counselling, and they can’t do anything bad until you get to the stage of performance management.  The process is so long that the Freo board are likely not to bother.  That’s when you can really push it.  Give the typing pool a good look.

Sorry, thinking of my youth…The other WA side, Fremantle, will want to be better than they were last week.  That’s a bit of an understatement, but they were certainly all put on performance management after the trip to Kardinia Park.  But now they face last year’s Grand Finalists who don’t want to start the season 0-3 lest they might get a written warning.  It’s a real coin flip, this one.  Sydney by 2 points.

Byes:  Gold Coast, GWS

Bad news for Gold Coast.  They are gifted Opening Round to start the year off with a bang, but it gets scrapped and now they have 1 game in 3 weeks and no home games in the first month.  I feel like that is against the script.