Last Week 5/9 Season
Total 68/98
I’m going to start this weeks ramble with a
non-footy topic. You might retort, “when
has any of this crap been about footy.”
You also might be correct, but this is an important and alarming
community notice. It’s not a crackpot
conspiracy theory, I have gathered genuine volumes of evidence to support my
claims. Here it is: Punnets of Strawberries are not designed to
be shared. They are designed to weave
distrust and disharmony into the fabric of our society. This is a deliberate and reckless act manifested
by what I’m calling “Big Farma” designed to plummet our species into an
existential crisis. The evidence I have
gathered is irrefutable. I have kept
detailed records showing that a punnet of strawberries ALWAYS contains a prime
number of strawberries, therefore they cannot be shared equally with
anyone. Strawberries come in 3 sizes;
big, medium and small. If the
strawberries are big then there are 11 in a punnet, if they are medium there
are 13 in a punnet and if they are small there is 19 in a punnet, when sizes
are mixed there is only ever 17 in there.
Now here is the true evil of the Strawberry punnet…if you ever find
there are 12, 14, 18 or 20 strawberries in there, one is always mushy and
inedible. Now I’ve made you aware of the
nefarious tactics of Big Farma, I implore you to be on the lookout for this
coercive behaviour, document it, report it and rise up against it.
On football matters there is also much
going on. Alex Pearce has been handed a
3-match ban for going for a mark!? Most
pundits (not punnets) reckon he can get it down to 1-match which they say seems
reasonable. Reasonable!? If he gets any weeks at all we can officially
declare the game of AFL dead. Meanwhile Geelong is expecting a
slap on the wrist after unaccounted for 3rd party payments. A slap on the wrist!? They should be retroactively stripped of all
premiership points back to 1897 and hand back any premiership cups. Then made to go swimming at Torquay without a
thermal wetsuit, then told to stand outside the back door and think about what
they’ve done. Actually, maybe a better
punishment is to get them to stand in line at IKEA on a Saturday afternoon and
try to return a half assembled KNUTSTORP…then they’ll learn the value of keeping
receipts!
Lastly, Ross Lyon upset the Northern locals
by calling them a Nepo baby. Oddly, all
the jumping up and down and complaining they are not is kinda what a Nepo baby
would do. They probably need to pull
their head in because Trump has just launched his ‘war on woke’ and they wouldn’t
want to suffer his wrath.
We hit the bye rounds now, which are
inexplicably stretched over a 5-week period which exacerbates the inequities of
the competition. But the AFL has already
declared this the best season ever and in the spirit of Trump, if you say it,
it must be true. Let’s get on with the
in-depth analysis (or at least the barely-scratched-the-surface analysis).
Brisbane vs Essendon Gabba Thursday
Night
The Lions sure made fools of Hawthorn last
week and the media jumped on Brisbane
as being Premiership favourites again.
To be honest they haven’t been playing that well but winning mostly
anyway, which isn’t a good sign for the rest of the competition. Likely to secure a top two spot and two home
finals that gifts them a walk up start in the Grand Final. Perhaps the only ones that can stop them are Geelong (so long as Cotton
ON keep supplying the players
with fresh jeans with pockets stuffed full of cash). Essendon rolled the Tigers but suffered
additional injuries such that the calls for Hirds return have switched from
coaching to playing. The last thing you
want to do is venture into a Lions Den without any pellets in your
blunderbuss. Brisbane by 65 points.
Collingwood vs Hawthorn MCG Friday
Night
Perhaps the game of the round. As mentioned the media got onto Brisbane as Premiership
fancies after last weeks drubbing of Hawthorn.
But only half as much as the media jumping on Hawthorn as fakes and
pretenders and just generally useless.
These are the kinds of articles that get put up on walls in the
clubrooms to both heighten and focus rage.
Collingwood on the other hand should come out of a period of allowing
their aging stars to totter off and spend time contemplating their inner
feelings, picking daisies and generally exploring spiritual love and
happiness. Well rested, happy and
peace-loving isn’t generally a great frame of mind when standing opposite a
pile of focused rage but we’ll see if it works.
A lot in this game will come down to how many of Collingwood’s rested
stars come back and how it may disrupt the good thing they had going without
them. For a long time, Hawthorn has been
a bogey side for Collingwood, but the balance may be shifting…maybe. Collingwood by 9 points.
Gold Coast vs Fremantle Carrara Saturday
Afternoon
I feel like I wronged Fremantle last
week. I’m not sure if any of you
noticed, but I wrote quite strongly how Fremantle were going to win but, in the
end, typed Port Adelaide. This was just
an error as I meant to tip Fremantle but wrote the wrong thing. I’d like to give myself an extra tipping
point as it was an honest mistake and will do so with your agreement. Anyone?
Anyone? No? Bugger.
It worked for Geelong. I also wronged Gold Coast last week as I
thought they might be a little tired after their trip North, but they got the
job done over their Nepo-trash-talking rivals.
And now they should get the job done again against Fremantle on their
home deck at Carrara but Fremantle are, pardon the pun, having a purple patch,
and if they can win this one, then they have an unprecedented three home games
in a row where they could really challenge for a spot in the top 8. If I were Fremantle, I’d throw everything at
this one. But then it’s hard to win
against a team which has been shown so much favouritism (couldn’t resist) …Gold
Coast by 15 points.
GWS vs Richmond Showgrounds Saturday Afternoon
The Tigers aren’t going too badly and GWS
have been sputtering along and what they need is a game they can tee off in and
try to resurrect their season. And here
it is…GWS by 41 points.
Sydney vs Adelaide SCG Saturday
Night
If the Pies v Hawks game isn’t game of the
round, then this one clearly is. It’s
desperate stakes for Sydney
with nothing less than a win here deciding if they will stand a chance to play
finals or not. Adelaide is a very good side with good ball
users in the middle and a forward line that stomps around shouting Fe Fi Fo Fum
and eats small children for snacks. But
here-in lies the trick. The SCG is a
whole 12m shorter than the Adelaide Oval.
And it’s a whole 7m wider than the Adelaide Oval. This means that not only is one of your lines
largely irrelevant, but there is plenty of additional room to move sideways
around things. They don’t sound like big
numbers, but they absolutely are in a game of football. Especially in an era when umpires think 6m is
equal to 15m. But, more importantly,
these different dimensions, if my math’s is correct, amount to a 307m2
difference in land size, which is important as this amount of land in Adelaide
is worth $540,000 but in Sydney it’s worth $905,000. If Adelaide
wants to win, they should bring that extra bit of Adelaide Oval with them and
sell it for profit. Regardless of the
football, they’d be winners. It would be
easy too because the Sydney Swans are so tightly integrated with the housing
market that the teams major sponsor is Real Estate dot com with Ray White a
Premier partner, and QBE also a major sponsor.
That’s Advertising, Agency and Insurance for your purchase all wrapped
up in one. Here is my unconditional
offer…Sydney
by 16 million dollars.
Melbourne vs St Kilda Traeger Park
(Alice Springs) Sunday Afternoon
The Demons look like they have turned a
corner. At least that’s what the media
and analysts are saying after they just beat 13, 16th and 18th
on the ladder. Ok, they did beat 2nd
on the ladder in there too but was this match an anomaly? In Power rankings, Brisbane is actually only ranked 8th
so maybe it’s not that great a feat…maybe?
St Kilda is a different animal.
One with the kind of sharp fangs that say things like ‘Nepo baby’
without a muzzle. The interesting part
about this is that it’s played in Alice Springs. God knows why Melbourne sell their games out there. In 10 starts they’ve only won 4 of them so it
hasn’t gone too well. But importantly
the one time they played St Kilda out there they beat them. Maybe they can do it again? Melbourne
by 15 points.
West Coast vs Geelong Perth Stadium Sunday Night
The Eagles got their win this season
already so the rest of it doesn’t matter now.
Geelong
had a good win against Footscray even though they shouldn’t have given the
number of misses Footscray had. But it’s
recently been revealed Geelong have the softest run home which my own leviathan
can confirm even after adjustments for home grounds, number of days rest and
angle of the sun in the plane of the ecliptic relative to the galactic equator
(my leviathan accounts for everything).
Meanwhile, not only have West Coast lost McGovern but also Waterman will
be out for a few weeks. Have you ever
seen what happens to books on a bookshelf when you take away the bookends? They fall down…unless they have sturdy
spines. At least the WA economy can
enjoy the Geelong
players splashing some of their unreceipted additional cash around the
state. That’s a win. Geelong
by 38 points.
Byes
Sorry to say but Byes bring out the worst
in me.
A fact that, if you read on, you will
plainly see.
The next 5 weeks are a terrible time.
As these teams seasons are condensed in
rhyme.
Carlton
Full of promise with an easy fixture
Their season so fars’ been a bit of a
mixture
Missing a few of their big names early
Their season has turned a bit dark and
curly
Is the problem the game plan or is it
execution
The members are demanding some form of
restitution
They need more wins and avoid a loss
Or it will be goodbye to Michael Voss
North Melbourne
The public have been waiting for them to
turn the corner
And start smashing opponents like David
Warner
But a clutch of wins remains elusive
And die-hard fans are getting abusive
But a plucky draw was a stroke of luck
So, their supporters continue to give a f…
What is their goal? They should be better
If they want to be an AFL trend setter
Port Adelaide
You know this will be about the Succession
Which could be shorthand for Successful
regression
Just take your pick, Hinkley or Carr
Betwixt and between won’t get you far
Stirring wins followed by a horrible
thrashing
Causes great sounds of wailing and teeth
that are gnashing
Or is the wailing a rendition of ‘Never
Tear Us Apart’
Like your butt cheeks when you let out a
formidable fart
Footscray
The surprise packet for sure the first half
of the season
With dashing play and youth, you know
that’s the reason
We thought they’d fade away when Sean Darcy
went down
But they showed the comp, that’s just a
proper noun
And problems off-field with Ugle-Hagan
Who was gadding about town like Ronald
Reagan
They covered that off and showed us their
class
And have been pulling each win from out of
their ass
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