Round 12 Preview

 Last Week           5/9           Season Total      68/98

I’m going to start this weeks ramble with a non-footy topic.  You might retort, “when has any of this crap been about footy.”  You also might be correct, but this is an important and alarming community notice.  It’s not a crackpot conspiracy theory, I have gathered genuine volumes of evidence to support my claims.  Here it is:  Punnets of Strawberries are not designed to be shared.  They are designed to weave distrust and disharmony into the fabric of our society.  This is a deliberate and reckless act manifested by what I’m calling “Big Farma” designed to plummet our species into an existential crisis.  The evidence I have gathered is irrefutable.  I have kept detailed records showing that a punnet of strawberries ALWAYS contains a prime number of strawberries, therefore they cannot be shared equally with anyone.  Strawberries come in 3 sizes; big, medium and small.  If the strawberries are big then there are 11 in a punnet, if they are medium there are 13 in a punnet and if they are small there is 19 in a punnet, when sizes are mixed there is only ever 17 in there.  Now here is the true evil of the Strawberry punnet…if you ever find there are 12, 14, 18 or 20 strawberries in there, one is always mushy and inedible.  Now I’ve made you aware of the nefarious tactics of Big Farma, I implore you to be on the lookout for this coercive behaviour, document it, report it and rise up against it.

On football matters there is also much going on.  Alex Pearce has been handed a 3-match ban for going for a mark!?  Most pundits (not punnets) reckon he can get it down to 1-match which they say seems reasonable.  Reasonable!?  If he gets any weeks at all we can officially declare the game of AFL dead.  Meanwhile Geelong is expecting a slap on the wrist after unaccounted for 3rd party payments.  A slap on the wrist!?  They should be retroactively stripped of all premiership points back to 1897 and hand back any premiership cups.  Then made to go swimming at Torquay without a thermal wetsuit, then told to stand outside the back door and think about what they’ve done.  Actually, maybe a better punishment is to get them to stand in line at IKEA on a Saturday afternoon and try to return a half assembled KNUTSTORP…then they’ll learn the value of keeping receipts!

Lastly, Ross Lyon upset the Northern locals by calling them a Nepo baby.  Oddly, all the jumping up and down and complaining they are not is kinda what a Nepo baby would do.  They probably need to pull their head in because Trump has just launched his ‘war on woke’ and they wouldn’t want to suffer his wrath.

We hit the bye rounds now, which are inexplicably stretched over a 5-week period which exacerbates the inequities of the competition.  But the AFL has already declared this the best season ever and in the spirit of Trump, if you say it, it must be true.  Let’s get on with the in-depth analysis (or at least the barely-scratched-the-surface analysis).

Brisbane vs Essendon    Gabba   Thursday Night

The Lions sure made fools of Hawthorn last week and the media jumped on Brisbane as being Premiership favourites again.  To be honest they haven’t been playing that well but winning mostly anyway, which isn’t a good sign for the rest of the competition.  Likely to secure a top two spot and two home finals that gifts them a walk up start in the Grand Final.  Perhaps the only ones that can stop them are Geelong (so long as Cotton ON keep supplying the players with fresh jeans with pockets stuffed full of cash).  Essendon rolled the Tigers but suffered additional injuries such that the calls for Hirds return have switched from coaching to playing.  The last thing you want to do is venture into a Lions Den without any pellets in your blunderbuss.  Brisbane by 65 points.

Collingwood vs Hawthorn           MCG      Friday Night

Perhaps the game of the round.  As mentioned the media got onto Brisbane as Premiership fancies after last weeks drubbing of Hawthorn.  But only half as much as the media jumping on Hawthorn as fakes and pretenders and just generally useless.  These are the kinds of articles that get put up on walls in the clubrooms to both heighten and focus rage.  Collingwood on the other hand should come out of a period of allowing their aging stars to totter off and spend time contemplating their inner feelings, picking daisies and generally exploring spiritual love and happiness.  Well rested, happy and peace-loving isn’t generally a great frame of mind when standing opposite a pile of focused rage but we’ll see if it works.  A lot in this game will come down to how many of Collingwood’s rested stars come back and how it may disrupt the good thing they had going without them.  For a long time, Hawthorn has been a bogey side for Collingwood, but the balance may be shifting…maybe.  Collingwood by 9 points.

Gold Coast vs Fremantle              Carrara Saturday Afternoon

I feel like I wronged Fremantle last week.  I’m not sure if any of you noticed, but I wrote quite strongly how Fremantle were going to win but, in the end, typed Port Adelaide.  This was just an error as I meant to tip Fremantle but wrote the wrong thing.  I’d like to give myself an extra tipping point as it was an honest mistake and will do so with your agreement.  Anyone?  Anyone?  No?  Bugger.  It worked for Geelong.  I also wronged Gold Coast last week as I thought they might be a little tired after their trip North, but they got the job done over their Nepo-trash-talking rivals.  And now they should get the job done again against Fremantle on their home deck at Carrara but Fremantle are, pardon the pun, having a purple patch, and if they can win this one, then they have an unprecedented three home games in a row where they could really challenge for a spot in the top 8.  If I were Fremantle, I’d throw everything at this one.  But then it’s hard to win against a team which has been shown so much favouritism (couldn’t resist) …Gold Coast by 15 points.

GWS vs Richmond           Showgrounds    Saturday Afternoon

The Tigers aren’t going too badly and GWS have been sputtering along and what they need is a game they can tee off in and try to resurrect their season.  And here it is…GWS by 41 points.

Sydney vs Adelaide        SCG        Saturday Night

If the Pies v Hawks game isn’t game of the round, then this one clearly is.  It’s desperate stakes for Sydney with nothing less than a win here deciding if they will stand a chance to play finals or not.  Adelaide is a very good side with good ball users in the middle and a forward line that stomps around shouting Fe Fi Fo Fum and eats small children for snacks.  But here-in lies the trick.  The SCG is a whole 12m shorter than the Adelaide Oval.  And it’s a whole 7m wider than the Adelaide Oval.  This means that not only is one of your lines largely irrelevant, but there is plenty of additional room to move sideways around things.  They don’t sound like big numbers, but they absolutely are in a game of football.  Especially in an era when umpires think 6m is equal to 15m.  But, more importantly, these different dimensions, if my math’s is correct, amount to a 307m2 difference in land size, which is important as this amount of land in Adelaide is worth $540,000 but in Sydney it’s worth $905,000.  If Adelaide wants to win, they should bring that extra bit of Adelaide Oval with them and sell it for profit.  Regardless of the football, they’d be winners.  It would be easy too because the Sydney Swans are so tightly integrated with the housing market that the teams major sponsor is Real Estate dot com with Ray White a Premier partner, and QBE also a major sponsor.  That’s Advertising, Agency and Insurance for your purchase all wrapped up in one.  Here is my unconditional offer…Sydney by 16 million dollars.

Melbourne vs St Kilda   Traeger Park (Alice Springs)        Sunday Afternoon

The Demons look like they have turned a corner.  At least that’s what the media and analysts are saying after they just beat 13, 16th and 18th on the ladder.  Ok, they did beat 2nd on the ladder in there too but was this match an anomaly?  In Power rankings, Brisbane is actually only ranked 8th so maybe it’s not that great a feat…maybe?  St Kilda is a different animal.  One with the kind of sharp fangs that say things like ‘Nepo baby’ without a muzzle.  The interesting part about this is that it’s played in Alice Springs.  God knows why Melbourne sell their games out there.  In 10 starts they’ve only won 4 of them so it hasn’t gone too well.  But importantly the one time they played St Kilda out there they beat them.  Maybe they can do it again?  Melbourne by 15 points.

West Coast vs Geelong                 Perth Stadium   Sunday Night

The Eagles got their win this season already so the rest of it doesn’t matter now.  Geelong had a good win against Footscray even though they shouldn’t have given the number of misses Footscray had.  But it’s recently been revealed Geelong have the softest run home which my own leviathan can confirm even after adjustments for home grounds, number of days rest and angle of the sun in the plane of the ecliptic relative to the galactic equator (my leviathan accounts for everything).  Meanwhile, not only have West Coast lost McGovern but also Waterman will be out for a few weeks.  Have you ever seen what happens to books on a bookshelf when you take away the bookends?  They fall down…unless they have sturdy spines.  At least the WA economy can enjoy the Geelong players splashing some of their unreceipted additional cash around the state.  That’s a win.  Geelong by 38 points.

Byes

Sorry to say but Byes bring out the worst in me.
A fact that, if you read on, you will plainly see.
The next 5 weeks are a terrible time.
As these teams seasons are condensed in rhyme.

Carlton

Full of promise with an easy fixture
Their season so fars’ been a bit of a mixture
Missing a few of their big names early
Their season has turned a bit dark and curly

Is the problem the game plan or is it execution
The members are demanding some form of restitution
They need more wins and avoid a loss
Or it will be goodbye to Michael Voss

North Melbourne

The public have been waiting for them to turn the corner
And start smashing opponents like David Warner
But a clutch of wins remains elusive
And die-hard fans are getting abusive

But a plucky draw was a stroke of luck
So, their supporters continue to give a f…
What is their goal? They should be better
If they want to be an AFL trend setter

Port Adelaide

You know this will be about the Succession
Which could be shorthand for Successful regression
Just take your pick, Hinkley or Carr
Betwixt and between won’t get you far

Stirring wins followed by a horrible thrashing
Causes great sounds of wailing and teeth that are gnashing
Or is the wailing a rendition of ‘Never Tear Us Apart’
Like your butt cheeks when you let out a formidable fart

Footscray

The surprise packet for sure the first half of the season
With dashing play and youth, you know that’s the reason
We thought they’d fade away when Sean Darcy went down
But they showed the comp, that’s just a proper noun

And problems off-field with Ugle-Hagan
Who was gadding about town like Ronald Reagan
They covered that off and showed us their class
And have been pulling each win from out of their ass

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