Round 1 Preview

 Last Week           3/5           Season Total      3/5

The first week (or is it the zeroth week?) of footy has been played.  The ladder is already taking shape, albeit in the shape of a lop-sided elephant with only 2 legs and a small human-like nose. Interestingly, I put those parameters into an AI image generator, and it came back with a picture of the AFL Ladder!  Meanwhile, the CEO of the Board of Peace has started a war which makes me think someone should check the pre-requisites for that position.  Fuel prices are sky-rocketing and so people are getting in fights at petrol stations and the ability to buy a jerrycan is severely diminished.  Toilet paper is still available… for now.  If you’ve got an electric car, you’re safe until the AI chips inside them start crashing them into petrol stations to make life even harder for the commonfolk.  Is it time to panic?  Likely so.  Are we headed for a depression?  I don’t know, but it certainly is depressing.  Here’s a reminder of our significance from Carl Sagan in one of the most beautifully stated outcomes of the human condition you should read, if you’re interested.  https://www.planetary.org/worlds/pale-blue-dot. Alternatively, here’s a Douglas Adams Quote that also fits…

“The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

On a sad note, Dennis Cometti passed away last week.  There’s likely not a person supporting the footy (maybe even Tom Hanks) who was not in some way been influenced by Dennis and his wonderful Cometti-isms which many of you I’m sure use in any situation you can.  Vale Dennis Cometti.

Last week we also had the Grand Prix which was a bit of a fizzer from an Australian point of view.  Piastri crashed just trying to pull his car around to the start.  It’s the fear of any aging car user.  You go to apply the brake but hit the accelerator and put your car through the wall.  One day when it happens to you, you can tell the cops, “Well, Piastri did it…”  But I was interested to see that at least F1 has introduced more rule changes than the AFL, so we don’t look all that silly.  But the cars still just go round and around.  I think it would be more interesting if the race was to get from Northcote to Williamstown during peak in under 2 hours.  Extra points are rewarded for taking on Hoddle Street and Kings Way.

It’s a full round of footy this week and you can expect the banter to increase around the water cooler at work as every team gets a lick of the ice cream this week.

Carlton vs Richmond      MCG      Thursday Night

Voss is in trouble.  I can’t believe 75 minutes into the season that his reign was under question.  Well, I can, to be perfectly honest.  They were 22 points up and I went to turn the meat on the BBQ and when I got back, they were 36 points down!  That was Operation Epic Fury.  That’s how you get it done quickly.  All will be well though as they can tee off on Richmond and stave off the coaching coup they have up their sleeve for another week.  Carlton by 27 points.

Essendon vs Hawthorn MCG      Friday Night

The Hawks fell short against an undermanned GWS outfit last week and will be looking to bounce back against Essendon.  Essendon retained Merrett, but at what cost?  Funnily enough, what Hawthorn seemed to be really lacking was a Merrett-type player.  We’ll finally get to see if Essendon are up to the task this year.  Hawthorn by 21 points.

Footscray vs GWS            Marvel Stadium               Saturday Afternoon

The big question was answered last week after Brisbane unfurled their premiership flag.  Footscray, probably the best team last year, couldn’t beat a top 8 team if they were paid to.  So, you couldn’t possibly tip them, right?  Of course they squeaked by in what an exciting match.  GWS also had a solid win in the presence of Tom Hanks, who the camera panned to at every opportunity.  He was sitting with Stephen Graham, another fine actor and you could see them trying to decode the crazy hand signals of our AFL umpiring fraternity.  It was an entertaining watch, but then he was Forrest Gump.  Anyway, GWS are still without a host of players.  Footscray by 31 points.

Geelong vs Fremantle   Kardinia Park     Saturday Afternoon

The Cats were badly exposed by a poor scheduling move.  That is having the game at Carrara at this time of the year.  Not to mention that Gold Coast is now a very good outfit and Geelong did not have a forward line.  Fremantle are supposed to shine this year and playing at Kardinia Park will present a firm test of that hypothesis.  They’ve got a pretty good recent record there so maybe this is one of those roughies you might like to take up.  Fremantle by 9 points.

Sydney vs Brisbane         SCG        Saturday Night

When the game was on the line, Sydney was dynamic and bold and brushed aside Carlton.  Brisbane were solid against Footscray but were just pipped at the end.  Brisbane has done a lot of work trying to get more players reported and if the first game is anything to go by, the strategy is working.  This is a genuinely interesting game to watch.  I’m glad I’ll be out to dinner.  Sydney by 12 points.

Collingwood vs Adelaide             MCG      Saturday Night

The Pies had a pretty good outing against St Kilda last week and defended well despite their dearth of available backmen.  This will be an interesting watch with Adelaide tipped to be right up there and looking to get a small measure of revenge against Collingwood after they upset the Finals plans of the minor premiers last year.  Rankine still has one match to go on his ban so will miss this clash, meaning the Pies supporters will need to find other players to boo.  Adelaide has plenty, I’m sure.  I’ll be out to dinner so will have to sneak off to the toilet at regular intervals to check the score.  The Pies are still down a few key backs against a big forward line means Adelaide by 6 points.

North Melbourne vs Port Adelaide         Marvel Stadium               Sunday Afternoon

Both of these teams will front up for their first match of the season.  Port Adelaide under new coach Josh Carr and many believe Clarkson may be coaching for his future.  And when I say ‘many’ I mostly mean that one guy that sits outside our office bumming cigarettes and mumbling random stuff.  Until North can show me, I won’t be picking them.  Port Adelaide by 28 points.

Melbourne vs Saint Kilda            MCG      Sunday Afternoon

The Saints had all the pressure on them and wilted in the third quarter as Pendlebury showed why he still gets a game at his age.  The umpiring was not great in that game though.  I watched it and at one point witnessed the umpire completely ignoring 4 obvious free kicks to both teams before paying a dodgy one.  But then the St Kilda player shanked it out on the full which kinda summed up their night.  They’ll be playing a new look Melbourne team without Clarry and Petracca in the middle and under new Stephen King tutelage.  Steven May has permanently stepped away from the game while justice takes its course.  Saint Kilda by 32 points.

Gold Coast vs West Coast            Carrara Sunday Twilight

And finally, the first round, being the second round of the year, will come to a close as the two Coasts meet up, which is geographically known as a Cape.  For West Coast supporters, this would be called the Cape of Good Hope.  For Gold Coast, this would be called the Cape of We’re Gonna Smash Ya.  With the rule changes making it hard to stop momentum and Carrara on a dewy, humid Sunday evening we could well see some records broken here.  Petracca looked really good in GC colours.  For Melbourne supporters it must’ve been like seeing your ex with a new partner, and the new partner is really hot!  Gold Coast by 97 points.